The Myth of Hyper-Independence

There’s a cultural script right now that celebrates hyper-independence.

The ideal person is emotionally self-sufficient, unattached, impossible to destabilise. On TikTok, entire genres of content teach people how to reach “true detachment.” Often the message is the same: your life improves once you master the ability to let anyone go at any time.

There’s a kernel of truth in that. No law of nature guarantees that your family, friends, or partner will always be there. People can and do leave. Learning not to cling to something unhealthy is an important psychological skill.

But somewhere along the way, detachment started to be framed not as a tool, but as the goal.

But I think the argument being made is more extreme than the evidence warrants.

John Bowlby described what he called “contact comfort”. It’s the idea that feeling securely connected to others fundamentally changes how safe the world feels.

One of the clearest illustrations comes from visual perception research by Simone Schnall and colleagues. In their experiments, participants were asked to estimate the steepness of a hill. When people stood alone, the hill appeared significantly steeper than when they stood next to a friend.

In other words: when we feel socially resourced, the world literally looks less daunting.

Neuroscience tells a similar story. In a well-known fMRI study led by James A. Coan, married women were placed under the threat of a mild electric shock while in three conditions: holding their husband’s hand, holding a stranger’s hand, or holding no hand at all.

When they held their husband’s hand, activity in brain regions associated with threat and stress dropped dramatically. Holding a stranger’s hand helped a little. Holding no hand produced the strongest threat response. The better the quality of the marriage, the stronger the calming effect.

The brain doesn’t just react to physical touch or the presence of another human. It reacts to trusted connection.

This research points to something that runs against the hyper-independence narrative. Feeling connected and loved makes us braver. It makes risks feel more manageable. It helps us recover from setbacks more quickly.

People who feel securely supported tend to explore more, try more, and persist longer when things go wrong. Ironically, the people who lean on others appropriately are often the ones who live the most autonomous and courageous lives.

Detachment still has its place. If a relationship becomes harmful or unreliable, the ability to step back is essential. But staying emotionally detached from something genuine can quietly rob us of the very resources that help us thrive.

The goal isn’t radical independence.

It’s something harder and more human: allowing yourself to rely on the people who have given you good reason to believe they’ll be there.